In difficult times, the question “Why?” has two faces: one looks back, and the other one looks forward.

Have you ever had an eye exam? The one where the eye doctor flips back and forth between two lenses in front of your gaze and asks you “which one is clearer: 1 or 2?” The question “why” is a lot like that little machine.

I thought about this last Sunday as we were visiting my daughter Kayla’s church on Capitol Hill. The guest speaker was renowned author and theologian Pastor John Piper, and he made a point that really stood out to me. When things don’t go our way in life - whether it’s a minor annoyance or we’re facing profound difficulty - we almost always ask “why”. But, he pointed out, that singular question can be viewed through 2 very different lenses. One looks back, at the cause of our pain. The second looks inward and forward - and seeks the meaning and purpose in our pain. While both versions of the question “why” are legitimate, I think it’s that second, larger “Why” that can help us to push through difficulty and move forward. Let’s look at each.

The “Why” that looks back

When something bad happens, it’s natural - and worthwhile - to figure out what caused it. If it’s an argument with a loved one, being passed over for a promotion or the dream job for which you were a perfect fit, betrayal by a friend, or even the profound losses that can come from illness and accidents…our first response is often, “why me?” We look for a cause and a place to assign blame. This is a useful exercise if it helps us to identify who we should or shouldn’t trust, where the dead ends are that we didn’t recognize before, where we ourselves may have misstepped, and our personal blind spots. Then we can pivot and move on - feeling the sting, but wiser for it.

The problem is that we often cannot change our circumstances or the behavior of others, and we definitely can’t go back in time and change the past. If we camp out on the cause of our pain, we risk making a life out of playing the blame game, having a hard time trusting, and potentially become cynical, bitter and discouraged. Knowing the cause of our problems doesn’t always show us the way out of them. This is where the second Why is so crucial, especially for the person of faith.

The “Why” that looks forward

In dark times, it’s so important to seek meaning and purpose in our experience. They are there, but can be really hard to see - and often even harder to accept. Finding them empowers us to navigate through the hurt. And it can definitely draw us into a closer and more fulfilling relationship with God.

As a Christian, the first thing I try to do when I’m hurting is turn to God and ask for Him to quiet the turmoil in my head. The second is to feel His presence. The third is to give me clarity. It’s often a mighty struggle, especially when I’m caught in an emotional storm. The world isn’t perfect - we all know that. Life can be hard; it can be cruel. We won’t find meaning, purpose or hope, if we stop there.

I watched both of my wonderful parents fight and eventually lose their battles with long-term illness. I’ve felt the hurt of being excluded by friends, and I’ve experienced the ache of a mom’s heart when my child was wounded and I couldn’t take away the pain. Sometimes the hurts we run up against in life cut right to our core, and make us question our identity and value. We’ve all been there.

And, there’s plenty of pain in the world around us, too. I think that was actually Dr. Piper’s primary message. In a world with so much injustice and random pain, any thinking person must ponder that deeper why. In each of these bitter fruits, there’s a tiny seed of hope that we need to nurture, if we want to heal, move forward and help others heal, too.

One of my favorite Bible verses is Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I’ve returned to this one many times in my life!

When I’m hurting or feeling lost, this promise from God reminds me that I have 2 choices: either I put my trust in what my circumstances are telling me (that things pretty much stink, they may or may not get better… and my peace hangs in the balance), or I can put my trust in the character of the God I know, the One who promised to love and walk alongside me through my circumstances, whether or not they change. Somewhere, at the end of the tangled path, there’s hope and a future waiting for me. There’s mental peace in this second approach. There’s redemption, and strength.

Faith is not a feeling. It’s a decision.

I also think it’s important to note here that faith is not a feeling. It’s a conscious choice - a decision that you and I will have to make over and over and over again. Although I’ve had many wonderful seasons of feeling buoyant, inspired and joyful in my relationship with God, I’ve also had many times where I’ve felt bleak and uninspired - and I bet you’ve been there, too. When you hurt, you hurt. When you’re tired, the tank is empty. Period. Those are times I’ve just simply had to dig in and make the conscious decision to hang on for the wild ride and tenaciously choose God, in spite of my feelings, not because of them! I may not “feel” anything toward God for awhile, but that’s okay. God doesn’t ask me to fake it, and He’s big enough to take it. Aren’t all the best relationships like that?

Some Questions…

Regardless of whether or not you are a Christian, I believe there’s value in examining the hard times with a few questions that give us a more empowered perspective:

Where can I find purpose in what I’m going through? Can it:
- deepen my wisdom & compassion?
- make me stronger?
- clarify my values?
- make me a better communicator and strengthen my voice?
Can I use it to empower others in similar situations?
How can my experience make me more empathetic toward those around me, whether or not they’re struggling?
Ultimately, can this experience make my life matter in a way that it would not have, otherwise?

And, for the Christian, the most central question of all is:

“Am I using this experience to lean more closely into God and grow my relationship with Him?” Because, in doing so, I can bear witness to God’s love and constancy to a hurting world.”

We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.~Romans 8:28 (New English Translation)

Whether big or small, we all know that loss is inevitable. Christians have a chance to show a broken world that Jesus is worth more than what they lost. It’s not easy, but when the rubber hits the road, it’s the one place worth standing. You can put your hope in your changeable circumstances, you can put it in your own fallible self, or you can put it in a loving God who sees the big picture and has made you an eternal promise that He’s working all of it - ALL of it - for your eternal good.

There’s nothing new here, yet it’s so very easy to forget when you’re hurting. But it’s the central premise of the Christian life, and has been for hurting believers throughout the ages:

Habakkuk 3:17-19 (New Century Version)
17 Fig trees may not grow figs,
    and there may be no grapes on the vines.
There may be no olives growing
    and no food growing in the fields.
There may be no sheep in the pens
    and no cattle in the barns.
18 But I will still be glad in the Lord;
    I will rejoice in God my Savior.
19 The Lord God is my strength.
    He makes me like a deer that does not stumble
    so I can walk on the steep mountains.

Dr. Piper, the pastor who got me thinking about all this, made another insightful point. A broken and imperfect world is the only kind of world where redemption is possible. Collectively, all of our human suffering - from minor hurts to life-altering ones - exist so that the greatest act of love in the history of the world could be possible. If there were no suffering or pain, Jesus could not have experienced those things. We would have no need for God, and God would have had no reason to create a species fundamentally disconnected from Himself.

Oh wow, this got deep, fast! The overarching takeaway is to avoid camping out in a mindset of “why me?” and playing a blame game. Instead, when you search for the meaning and purpose of life’s challenges, you empower yourself to rise above the ashes, so to speak, and to bring good from the bad. It’s incredibly hard to do this at times, and I honestly don’t know how it’s possible to do on one’s own strength. But asking that second version of “Why” will point you inward, for personal growth, and propel you forward - to live with purpose and meaningful impact, in all circumstances.

If I can pray for you, let me know if the comments or via email: susanneandthesea@gmail.com And, please drop a comment below to share your thoughts and insights. I’d love to hear from you!

P.S. The photos in this post are from a recent trip to Vermont - my first-ever visit to this beautiful state!